Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho has reportedly had the staff of his local Sainsbury’s sacked and replaced with Manchester United U-23 team. Stating he was dissatisfied with the speed in which they rang up his Meal Deal, Mourinho has elected to bring in his own baggers who better understand the nuances of supermarkets.

The Raised Flag reports Mourinho was quoted as saying, “They put my Blossom Hill Zinfandel in the same bag with my eggs. Bagging like this, at this level, is unacceptable. We’re talking about the 2016 MSC Supermarket of the Year winner!” Facing a tense selection dilemma before Sunday’s early supper between the British pork shoulder joint and the Just Cook Sweetcure gammon joint with sticky honey glaze, Mourinho will want to avoid any distractions.

Some speculate whether other shoppers will be given the same courtesies, using the express lane despite holding too many items or even accruing Sainsbury’s reward points despite leaving their Nectar card at home.

But Mourinho has always courted controversy. In January, Mourinho crushed the dreams of hundreds of small children when he replaced the ball boys and girls at Old Trafford – usually drawn from the club’s charitable arm, The Manchester United Foundation – with young professional footballers.

Mourinho will hope to avoid a repeat of an incident that occurred under his predecessor at Chelsea, Rafa Benitez, when attacking ace Eden Hazard missed the first 5 minutes of EastEnders due to what the Belgian attributed to poor shelf stocking.