As with most things, people tend to take the essentials for granted. Sure, having running water and WiFi in every room of the house is nothing short of a miracle, but only when it’s gone do you realize its importance. On Monday evening an incident occurred which normally may go unnoticed, but the timing is nothing short of catastrophic.
The fabled ‘Rumour Mill’, which is housed in a leaky cellar on Fleet Street, has broken down. For decades the old creaky machine has had its limits stretched during international breaks and the summer months to keep up with demand. Now more than ever journalists rely on its steady supply of wild transfer speculation. There is an art to coming up with such rubbish on a daily basis — one that has been automated for so long, its tricks have been lost.

Wrench in the Machine

It emerged Monday morning that the caretaker of the duct-taped monstrosity had taken an unexpected holiday to Tenerife “due to stress caused by work-related issues.” The unnamed mechanic is said to have had an emotional breakdown in the build up to the current break in club play and cannot be reached to fix it. Several contractors were brought in, but had no idea how the ungodly thing worked.
The loss of the tool has brought about some very unlikely rumours including: An Italian newspaper claimed Tuesday morning that Italy’s captain, Gianluigi Buffon, would finally make his break with Juventus by making a summer move to Celtic. An English tabloid known for its absolute rubbish took their sloppy reporting to new heights by claiming Barcelona scouts are ready to make an offer not for Coutinho, but Tom Cleverly — who they claim “would be a great addition to their bench.” Of course, the entire starting eleven of Chelsea are also said to be on the move, but the most unlikely of which involves a peculiar theory involving Eden Hazard. The 26-year-old attacker has been in excellent form this season, but a deal involving funds in excess of £200 million and a headbutt from Zidane Zinedine seems too far-fetched to be believed.

 

photo courtesy: Alejandro De La Cruz/ flickr

Lesson Never Learned

Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. If nothing else, maybe readers will take these speculations with a grain of salt moving forward. Maybe journalists will stop playing into the hands of super agents with massive amounts of money on the line and allow transfers to happen without setting the house on fire. More than likely nothing will change and the mechanic will arise from his drunken stupor to feed the masses what it is they want —pure fantasy to fill the void in their dreams.

About The Author

Dan is a writer and fruit buyer living in Philadelphia. He covers the greatest team in the world, Liverpool Football Club. He’s also a terrible center back who always lets his five-a-side team down by injuring himself inexplicably.

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